This episode features Ryan W sharing his personal journey through addiction and sobriety, highlighting the core principles that help sustain his recovery. Discover key practices and mental shifts essential for lasting sobriety, as well as the importance of community, honesty, and self-care.
Key Takeaways
- The non-negotiables he maintains to stay sober, including sober friendships and ongoing mentorship
- The significance of community, routine, and genuine connection as pillars of long-term recovery
- How life without drugs and alcohol can surpass past experiences and be more fulfilling
- The role of willingness and effort in overcoming addiction
- Practical coping strategies Ryan uses during stressful periods to avoid relapse
- Lessons learned about the impact of words and actions on others in recovery
- The importance of living amends and maintaining relationships with family
Memorable Quotes
- “If I can get sober, I can literally do anything I set my mind to”
Transcript
Conor E (00:06)
Welcome back to the IYWI interview series where we explore recovery connection and the conversations that help people build meaningful and lasting sobriety. IYWI, which stands for If You Work It, is a free mobile app designed to help people in recovery stay consistent, connected, and supported throughout their recovery journey. Today we’ve got Ryan, who is a great friend of mine from LA and someone I’ve been looking forward to getting on this interview series.
Very excited to have you today, Ryan. If you want to maybe just introduce yourself first and give us like a brief summary of why you chose to go down the path.
Ryan W (00:45)
Of course, Conor. Hello, I’m Ryan. I’m from Hermosa, Manhattan Beach, California. Reason why I got into sobriety or why I stayed? I’ve struggled with addiction and that sort of thing for like pretty much my whole drinking and using career. Started off bad, Ended bad.
That’s all I really have to say about that. But I struggled with it for like five to six years in and out of treatment. Went to New Life. It’s a men’s structured sober living when I was 19 for a year and a half. Relapsed for eight months. Before I was ready to come back into the rooms. Then I went to the Last House, men’s structured sober living, where I figured it out with the help of them. That’s and I’m still sober today.
Conor E (01:42)
Amazing. Yeah, I’m familiar with a few guys that went through that program and I I’ve gotta say it seems like that’s gotta have one of the highest success rates when it comes to guys actually seeing the program all the way through to the end and then being able to come out and give back and and have like solid sobriety. So appreciate you sharing that.
I wanted to kick it off with a little bit broader of a question than I’ve asked in prior interviews. And that is going to be, how do you stay sober? I mean, I think for a lot of us it has changed over the course of our recovery. And I’m curious today, for you, what are the non-negotiables when it comes to taking care of your recovery?
Ryan W (02:32)
Great question. Well the thing about recovery is that some people think that like one shoe fits all, and I don’t believe that at all. I believe that it’s really different for every single person and how they maintain and continue their own sobriety.
For me, there were certain things in the first year that were very important, like calling my sponsor every day. Working the twelve steps, getting a routine, and just getting basic life skills that I was able to continue on.
And learning those was difficult. but through like at least at the sober living, through constant bombardment and I wouldn’t say consequence, but like reason to show me why it was important was necessary for me to continue staying sober.
I also had to reach like a point in my addiction where I realized it wasn’t possible for me to keep even being alive. To keep drinking and using I had see that the twelve steps and AA and staying sober was literally the only choice that I had or death in my case.
Some prior background info is that I my favorites are alcohol, cocaine, and methamphetamine all together, with a bunch of other things. And that is not sustainable for living a healthy and normal life.
Not that I cared back then, but being in the AA community, being in a sober living community, being around sober people showed me how to live like a proper, sober life and the importance of doing so.
I guess I have like twenty months now. It’s like what a year and eight months. Through the year and eight months, I’ve found different things that have helped me personally to continue my sobriety.
Now twenty months in, I definitely don’t call my sponsor every day. I go to one meeting a week, which suffices for me. One to two.
And just clarifying, like AA is not for everyone, you know. There’s other ways to stay sober without Alcoholics Anonymous. It’s just the only thing that works for me, you know?
There’s like Celebrate Recovery and some other stuff that other people do. And that if it works for them, then it works for them.
But like the certain non-negotiables for me and my sobriety are that I have to have sober friends. I can have non sober friends. I can date non soberly. I can I can date soberly, but for me the non negotiables are that I have to have sober friends, at least a circle that of a few close people in my life. I’m not one to have like a million different friends. I I like my circle tight with people that I can be vulnerable with that can help me in my life as I can help them in theirs.
I sponsor, I need to have a sponsee at all times so that I can give back what was given to me. And it also helps me center on like my first step and it helps me work the steps continuously when I’m working the steps with them. That’s like one of the biggest ones is having sponsees. one of the one of the sponsees I have right now. He’s at the last house. Great guy.
But like helping him get to where I am helps me stay where I am, you know. Another non-negotiable for me is having the best relationship with my family as I can and show up for them when they need me; financial amends, family vacations, family dinners, constant family contact for me.
I was like the worst to my family in my addiction. So like I will forever be paying them back for like the life that I have today. Because I feel that I owe my life partly to them. You know? They stayed with me the whole time I was from my addiction.
They set strong boundaries which were hard for them to set. They they did a lot, you know, and I I feel that I – not that I must- but that I need to like do whatever I can to show up for them in their lives as they show up in mine. That’s another non-negotiable.
Another one, the last one that I’ll say is that I need to like I need to make sure that this sobriety is worth it per se. Like I need to have fun. You know, like there has to be some sort of like not end goal, but like consistent enjoyment of my life now, you know?
Like what whether it’s in between some life struggles, like my roommate, for example, he’s sober. I get to come home from work, I get a vent to him. He understands because he’s a alcoholic.
And it’s easier to go through my day to day when I have somebody close to me who understands, you know.
All these things I never thought were possible, you know? Like I thought that life was gonna be meaningless and boring when I got sober because drugs and alcohol were my life before this, and I couldn’t picture a life without them.
Only going through sober living, doing a like getting to this point, I’m able to see out of sober living that life is just as fun, if not better, you know? It probably is bet it is better, I can say that.
That like I get to go to I go to freaking music festivals, I go to like clubs still and like enjoy myself just without a drink in my hand, you know? If there’s a reason to go to the bar to like hang out with a coworker, I’ll go. But I’m not gonna go if I’m like fiending for alcohol. You know, like if there has to be like an important reason to go out with friends and that I wanna enjoy myself just because I wanna enjoy myself, you know.
Yeah, that’s a very important one. I have to check my motives in situations to see if they’re like valid or sober aligned.
And like there will be instances where I’d feel like doing some scummy behavior, you know, but like I’ll realize that now and call someone about it. Like I’ll I’ll call you about it, I’ll call my sponsor, I’ll call my dad, you know, like I’ll I’ll call these important people that I know will show up for me in my life to tell me when I’m not thinking straight, you know? And then I’ll I’ll I’ll course correct and apply that moving forward.
Conor E (09:47)
Yeah, thanks, man. One thing I was thinking when you were talking about life without drugs and alcohol and how fun and and amazing it can really be, is the idea that we’re giving up one thing in the drugs and alcohol to potentially get everything or at least everything back that we wished we had while we had that one thing still in.
And I think when you think about it that way, it’s it’s really easy to be like, well, why wouldn’t you just stop drinking or stop doing drugs? And I remember when I was really in, you know, active alcoholism, drinking was a full time job. So while it was just one thing technically on paper, it controlled my entire life. And and it’s such a complex disease that like gosh had I realized how much of an an impact it would have on my life, the the continuing of the drinking.
Man, I I would have given up that one thing so quickly. But, you know, the more you more I went down that path, the harder it was to crawl out. And I I’m definitely really grateful today to not have to have it control my whole life and have that, as I like to say, full time job of of drinking. and there
Ryan W (11:08)
Mm-hmm. I completely relate, Like I mean when people were like asking me like why can’t you stop drinking? Why won’t you stop drinking? Life is so much better without it. Even sober people that were like asking me this question, like you said, it was like it was a full time job and it was tons of work to like get my next fix or get my next line or drink or whatever. It was my only reality. You know, I couldn’t even picture a life without drugs and alcohol.
Up to that point, my whole identity was drugs and alcohol. Like I wanted to the be I wanted to be the best at drinking and doing drugs, you know? Like there was no I didn’t even see the pull of being sober until after I’d been sober for a couple months, even. You know, like I didn’t want to be sober. I wanted to do this as long as possible. And there was a point where I was resigned to die to drugs and alcohol because it was I thought it was the only way for me.
And like the amount of willingness and effort, even it was like before I was sober, was daunting for me because I’d tried before. You know, like I I don’t even would say that I tried. I just I did it before and I didn’t want it. Like and that that’s like the stuff that was going through my head before I got sober. Do I even want this?
Like but it had to get to a point of like utter pitiful and Like in a the saying, pitiful and incomprehensible demoraliz demoralization, like for me to even think about getting sober, you know? I had to have no options left, literally
Conor E (12:51)
Yeah, same.
Ryan W (12:52)
Nothing that I could manipulate my way out of. I couldn’t spend any more money. I was out of money. I was out of options. I was pretty much homeless. And like still then I didn’t even want to get sober and I couldn’t see a better life.
Conor E (13:10)
Yeah, it’s wild.
Ryan W (13:11)
I had to do tons and tons of work, not work, but like had to put forth a lot of effort and I had to have the willingness to even think about changing my life before doing so, you know.
Conor E (13:26)
The willingness is essential and like you mentioned, I was given opportunities to go to treatment when I was, you know, nineteen, twenty, but I had zero willingness. Like zero. I I had convinced myself that I was gonna find a way to drink every single day for the rest of my life. Like it made me feel so good that I couldn’t imagine not having it.
And ultimately what it is, is it’s a solution, right? Like drinking and doing drugs it’s it’s a solution. For me, it was a solution to the anxiety and the fear that I had about my life. and it has taken a lot to replace that with a new solution through the 12 steps.
Through connection with other people, through connection with a higher power. But I can honestly say, and I never believe this ever, that I would ever feel so full of of gratitude and appreciation for life without alcohol, but I really do. Like I I can’t imagine drinking right now. I really can’t. And some days, you know, I’m I’m a lot closer to a drink than I am right now. Like it makes me like want to throw up thinking about it.
Ryan W (14:50)
Yeah.
Conor E (14:52)
You know, today it’s it’s cool. And this I want to go back a little bit because you were talking about what I associated with the idea that I think when we get to a point in our sobriety, we learn how to pause before reacting to certain things. And during that brief moment or two, we can kind of reason with ourselves and, you know, make a call to a friend or our sponsor or whoever it is, someone that we trust to to bounce an idea off. And I I just think that’s really important.
So I wanted to highlight that as I’ve grown in my sobriety, while it’s probably only still a few seconds long that I have that pause longer and you know I have the ability to pause and think for a second before I make an irrational decision.
Ryan W (15:37)
Yeah.
Conor E (15:38)
And you know, it takes a lot of work to sustain that and to have like well in simple terms it’s like a response opposed to a reaction, you know? Like with a reaction, I’d crash out. You know, I’d crash out on people, even in early sobriety especially in early sobriety, I’d crash out on people because I didn’t know how to handle a situation the right way. And still to this day I don’t know how to handle it the right way, which is why I call people when I have a problem or like a struggle, you know. And I respond to it in a in a healthier way, you know, like a normal person way as opposed to an alcoholic way.
Conor E (16:22)
Well said. Kinda on that note, the struggle topic, I want to hear what you have to say about this question. And that question is what is a hard lesson that you have faced or that you have learned? What is a hard lesson that you have learned in recovery?
Ryan W (16:46)
I mean there’s so many, but like to choose one I mean this applied in my addiction as well. I just didn’t care really. is that my words and actions don’t only affect me, but they affect everyone around me as well. You know? Like I might be at work and I might be pissed and I might not want to do something for a coworker.
But me not wanting to do that thing for my coworker might F up their whole – I work in a restaurant- so it might F up their whole shift, you know? And then but I’ll see that and I’ll correct it. Like I’ll make a on the spot amends or something to fix it. But my awareness is a lot broader than it was, you know?
Now I like to think before making any important decision, making any small decision. Just like play out what the decision would do to me, how it would affect my family, how it would affect my coworkers, how it would affect my friends.
I try not to just think about myself all the time, though I do fall into it, you know, like it’s only human, I think, but like yeah, that’s the big one. That’s the takeaway I’ll answer that question with. I do see how it would affect my mom and dad most out of everyone. Just cause like I said before, I try to be in their lives as much as possible now.
One thing would be like if I don’t show up one week to visit them or have dinner with them, you know, they’ll be like ’cause they do miss me. I they only live in Manhattan Beach. Like I can make it over there. And so like if I don’t make it over there, it looks like I’m not making time for them, you know? It might be because I’m busy, but I can always call them and tell them I won’t make it this week.
Like if I don’t s have any communication, I don’t have like any healthy way of saying that I can’t go, they’ll they’ll assume the worst, just like I assume the worst, you know. Like but I like to say I I do try to make it over there a couple a coup like four times a month at least, you know.
Conor E (19:04)
Yeah. Yeah, it’s important to I think sort of offer like a living amends to the people that we’re closest to. I mean I relate a lot to what you were talking about with your parents in that I know for me they exerted a lot of energy ultimately to trying to help me. And they never gave up on me.
And I still have some shame and some guilt around that and I’ve made amends to them. And I think when it comes to like your parents, especially, or at least for my situation with my parents, I’ll never not feel some of that. But I know that the only way I can continue to them is right, to
Ryan W (19:47)
It’s just stay sober. Yeah.
Conor E (19:51)
Take my recovery seriously, to stay sober and you know.
Acknowledge when I’m wrong, be communicative with them, and just try and be a good person and not make the same mistakes I had before.
Ryan W (20:05)
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Conor E (20:09)
But yeah, man, thank you for for answering that. I got one more question for you. It’s one that I’ve been keeping consistent across these interviews, and I’m curious if you have a certain recovery quote or maybe it’s like a concept that you carry with you in in your recovery.
Ryan W (20:31)
I do. I do. I got one. I don’t really throw around the quotes of AA, so it’s more of a concept, but like I mean it’s something that I learned through experience and that I keep learning over and over again. Part to do with the last house, part to do with how much effort has been put poured into this current sobriety and how much I’ve gotten out of it.
You know, so like the concept itself is that getting sober was the literally the hardest thing that I’ve ever done in my life. Getting and staying sober. That first year, brutal. it’s worth it.
Okay, the full concept is if I can get sober, I can literally do anything that I’ve set my mind to. You know?
That getting sober, there was a lot of pain involved. There was a lot of doing things I really didn’t want to do, but knowing that it would do things in the long run.
When you have something that you have to do and you know it’s not gonna do anything in the short term, it’s really hard to get jumped on it. You know, like it’s really hard to start. But knowing and seeing other people have enjoyable, sober lives with time, like two years, three years, four years.
Even one year, like ten years, you know, seeing it work in someone else’s life gave me the motivation to try it out in my own life. I also had nothing to lose when I got sober, you know? Like the only thing worse than where I was in my addiction, I was in this like purgatory state. The only thing worse than that was continued purgatory or death, you know? So like I had everything to gain and nothing to lose, you know.
So I poured my all into it when I realized that like for me I can’t really have a beer anymore, you know? Like I can’t just have three beers at the bar. Like and it was never that case, to be honest, bro. Like I the first time I drank I blacked out, you know? And it can it stayed that way until I got sober. So like I just don’t see the point. It it’s also like I can’t, even if I try, you know.
I can’t go to the bar, I can’t have three beers. If I get a single beer in me, I want a bag, I wanna go hard, I wanna burn it all to the ground. Regardless if that’s the intention or not. I just wanna stay up for days and party, you know? And maybe by myself, it may be with people. You this a roll of the dice, you know, you never know. But I have too much to lose now to even think about doing that. You know, like there was a point
Three months in, like, so I relapsed twice at the last house. I didn’t really care. But it took that second relapse to because it was such a fast progression. It was literally a one-day relapse. I knew that I had a problem. I didn’t care. I went out to drink and I ended up smoking crystal meth with homeless people. You know? So like and that was a matter of three hours.
It took a couple weeks in detox to get my head straight and realize that there is no shot for me drinking, you know? And keeping that close in mind throughout my sobriety, like when I go to a meeting, I see a newcomer share, it reminds me of how frickin’ desperate I was before, you know? Like it brings me back to that point of desperation where I know what would happen if I were to go out or even try it.
You know, like when I I’ve tried smoking weed, I’ve tried drinking just beer, I’ve tried drink drinking just vodka, I’ve tried just four locos, I’ve tried just just just, you know, like I’ve tried just one thing, but it always leads to the next thing. Like I tried smoking weed for a little bit. But when I smoke weed, I wanna drink, and when I wanna when I drink, I wanna do cocaine and meth is cheaper than cocaine. So like it’s a horrible progression. It literally like for me and then when I’m up too yeah, up too long on stimulants, I wanna smoke some heroin, bro. Like I wanna do some fentanyl. I wanna I’ve never done that stuff, but like can’t sleep, Xanax doesn’t work, purkes it, nothing. I need something strong, I will die.
And that’s just like what I keep in my head. ‘Cause there are times in sobriety when I feel the pull of a drink, you know, it’s usually in a stressful period or like I’m pissed off about something. I’m like, damn, I could really use a drink right now, but I know I’ll die and this isn’t worth dying over.
So like I wouldn’t say that I’m fuck that I’m solid in my sobriety, like super solid. It’s always gonna be a work in progress.
And there are better periods and worse periods. But whenever I’m feeling the pull of something, I will either call you, I’ll call my sponsor, I’ll hit a meeting, I’ll write a gratitude list, I’ll go read my my non AA book and and just meditate for a little bit on my thinking, where it was, where it is now, and what I can do to cope without drugs and alcohol, you know.
I’ll go to the gym. That’ll help me cool off a lot. And then surprisingly, if I not even surprisingly, but if I don’t go to the gym, I’ll feel discontent, you know? Like it’s like a healthy stress reliever. And if I don’t do that, then I’ll be stressed. But it’s all about like now, it’s not even like when I get stressed, sometimes I won’t even think about drinking, bro. Like it doesn’t come to my mind. Like it’s just I want to go like weep.
in my room, you know, like I wanna go punch something, but the first thought is not that I want a beer, you know, it’s not that I want to do Coke. It’s like which is unfathomable to me. Like I never thought that would be the case. Like it was I would get mad at the crossing guard for taking too long when I was trying to take a right on the street and I’d go drink over that, you know.
It’s just a different mindset, like a different perception, which is the goal of AA, you know. Like that’s what they try to switch your mindset and they have. So like goal achieved, but on to the next.
You know, getting sober is literally like what we were talking about, hitting the baseline of being a normal person. You know, like the rest is for you to figure out with help. Obviously, I need help to do it. Like I I can’t do it without a community.
Which is very important. Like I can’t do it alone. I would for sure relapse if I was alone. but the community helps, the habits help, the healthy coping skills help, the hobbies, the fun, the good life, the good parents, good friends. Like there’s so much more in my life that matters now that
Ryan W (27:59)
I had no concept of when I was drinking, you know? Like my friends were all scumbags. I just like we just were using each other to pay for beer or pay for drugs, you know? And that was it. I stole from my friends. They stole from me. And I didn’t care as long as they had more drugs, you know?
And now I have quality friends that I can tell things in confidence and they won’t tell other people. And they asked me for help too, you know like
We’ve exchanged our own struggles and solved them together, you know, like it’s it’s it’s just a different playing a a different playing ground, you know, like life’s just different now.
Conor E (28:48)
Life is different, man.
Ryan W (28:48)
That’s it, bro.
Conor E (28:50)
Love it. Well thanks for coming on, brother.
Yeah, man.
Ryan W (28:52)
Thanks for having me on IYWI. Go download the app.
Conor E (28:57)
Boom. Love it. All right, Thank you.
Ryan W (29:01)
Yeah.